Last weekend I did another online Gong Bath. I put my airpods in, joined the zoom meeting, got cosy beneath my duvet and let Nadia from Essex gong me into another realm, to mark the new moon in Aries, through the portal of my phone. I breathed deep and let myself melt into the bed.
Soon I was transported, floating above myself in a memory. A beach in Central America, bathed in purple light with my ex-friend and ex-boyfriend. Both of them were there with me as we hopped on the too hot sand before running to the shade on the beach café.
I stole that boyfriend from my friend. About five years ago I got so lonely and lost and empty that I took what didn’t belong to me and tried to make it my own. I saw someone else’s happiness and thought maybe that was what I needed to fill the secret hole.
I chipped away, obsessing and controlling until it came true. I had completed the friendship ruining mission and the boyfriend belonged to me. As soon as I had the thing that I thought would fill the hole I realised that actually no, that was not it. Somehow it still was not enough, somehow the hole felt deeper and like it needed filling more than ever before. So just a few weeks later I threw it all away and found myself waking up in a strange bed, with my pants off next to someone else.
Then I started lying, lying to everyone around me but mainly to myself for as long as possible. I wasn’t ready to let the truth come out. Maybe that is what is happening right now. For a lot of reasons that time of my life was not something I let myself think too much about. I’ve justified it, wrestled with certain parts of the story to make them suit how I see myself, I have looked to others to blame but ultimately it was shoved down. Covered up. Let’s not talk about that it’s too ugly, too dark, too deep. So I buried it and let it frost over with an extra layer of icy shame.
Only ever allowing it to resurface to an overpriced French CBT therapist who drew complex diagrams on a white board and told me off for carrying around so much guilt. After the shouting CBT I decided I could go back into the world and would only acknowledge the story when blurting it out at the start of new relationships. Sharing it quickly, awkwardly and somewhat unnecessarily. As if it was something that this new person must know that I had done. Almost half warning them that I had something deep and dark inside of me and maybe that part of me could come back again. Almost half wishing, hoping that the person could see how big that hole had been and know the right thing to do or say to stop the pain of it all.
So apart from those few awkward confessionals with French therapist and past potential boyfriends that have, weirdly, somehow never quite worked out it was a memory that I had done well at keeping blacked out, buried in my mind. Somewhere I thought that was deep enough to just walk around pretending that it didn’t really happen. Pretending that it didn’t hurt, pretending that everything was okay.
In the gong bath induced memory I let myself remember that time. I let myself remember how for a while he did make me happy. We danced on that sand and laughed so much the food came out of our noses and our tummies hurt. We had all been thrown together and I wonder if we ever could have stopped it or if it was all already decided. If we were always supposed to end up here. The vision bubbled up inside me and floated above the surface, it hovered over me. I saw us all their surrounded by the purple light and I let it go. Gladly I felt it all pouring out of me. The younger version of me walking alone from the hostel, trying to figure out what I was feeling, full of emotion, wishing desperately that I had someone to hold my hand while I looked at the sea. Only now I see that the hole was the lost, the lonely.
I slept deep like the log after the gong bath, knowing that there had been a release, knowing it had been good for me. In the morning I ran around the Rye and the snow started to fall. It came down gently and all at once like some kind of forgiveness. I opened my mouth to catch the flakes, lifted my face to the sky and said thank you. Knowing so much had changed, feeling so grateful to be outside. Grateful to be running and feeling alive.
After all of the letting go, the forgiving myself for being young and not knowing the right ways to fill up the hole I think about how the next part of my life could unfold.
Rebirth. Something beautiful but not without pain.
I think about the houseplant in my room and how it has grown three brand new deep green leaves. I think about the strength that must have took to push through a hole that previously did not exist and declare themselves as something new. Now they are here, unapologetically they exist so fully and beautifully in their own right. They sit behind me now and they too, breathe as I write.
I think about my toenail that bruised and cracked from too much of the running round the Rye. How it must repair itself and somehow grow back, new. A process that is ugly and disgusting to see but something that I am not worried about, something that I simply trust will persist and push through. It will grow back. It’s hard to know exactly what it will be like. At the moment it is gnarly, uneven and jagged but I know that it will smooth over eventually and maybe, if I take good care of it I could even get a more beautiful toe nail than before.
So all of these notices, these awareness’s they help me. They add to my determination to allow the change. The truth is it is already found, it is here, burning bright coming from within. Now it is time to let it shine out and share with the rest of the world.
In my deepest core, in my most vulnerable moments I want to be part of a loving, happy and creative community. A loving family, whatever form that takes. Living with peace, Joy and freedom whilst contributing to an equal and just society. I want to play and create and learn. I want to explore, meet people, tell stories that make the universe a better place. I want to help others with their recovery. I want to fill up that hole with love and let it spill over rather than running from it with fear. I want to regenerate the planet and stretch out in the sun. I want to be curious, discover, help to heal each other. I want to share our stories, expand our minds. Forgive ourselves a thousand times and start again. I want deep human and spiritual connection. I want excitement and fun. I want the electricity, passion and security of being deeply in love with another human being, another soul joining with this one. I want to live, I want to breathe deep. I want to be me.
Maybe I’ll paint that toenail a sparkly gold and take it swimming in the sea.
